There are different types of longing. When we leave it comes alternately and sometimes comes unexpectedly.
For me, in the beginning it is the longing for solitude. There is nobody with me, I’m scared of myself and only myself. If I’m far away contacting me becomes difficult. It is not as usual, it can’t be an immediate phonecall or even sms about small success. Contact is limited, and the time difference causes our success to be shared hours later with the other person.
Loneliness from solitude occurs just then. It is the first stage when we leave a comfortable warm corner and go on a journey into the unknown. Excitement is mixed with horror, anxiety with fear. We are scared of it, but we go through even we know that nothing will be the same after coming back.
Many times I’ve read that problem about travelling is that we have nothing when we come back. We no longer have friends who were with us before we left. They didn’t change, it was us. We have changed. And we no longer know them as we used to and they don’t know us. And the difference of priorities causes us to not get to know each other again.
Another yearning comes from powerlessness. We’re here, we left everything and we build ourselves up again. New friends are not yet close enough to be called friends. Old friends have a way of life that we abandoned. Even if they want to hear us, it’s a little spiteful in their daily routine because it may be that unrealistic. Over time, less and less experiences to be exchanged with them.
Third, it’s the one from songs. It hits like a goddamn thunder from the clear sky. It’s a longing which surprises us when we go by train, or when we’re standing in line for rolls and suddenly hear an old melody, that stole your heart centuries ago and brings memories. Both good and bad. Memories that cause tears in your heart. Tears of happiness, sadness, or unused chance. The moment that will never happen again. And yet, we are in another place, we are the happiest people on earth, when this yearning strikes, gently pushing the pins in your heart.
And this is the most beautiful kind of longing. Longing for what has in fact never happened.
Nostalgia for a dream.